welcome to my beach of love

lifeguardoflove @ 2009-04-13T18:39:00

2009-04-13T17:40:45Z

Today, I am 8888 days old.
This pleases me.

lifeguardoflove @ 2008-09-10T15:18:00

2008-09-10T14:23:25Z

Recently, some skank stole the microwave from the kitchen in work. To insult further, they also managed to steal one of our office chairs to wheel it away on. I headed over to ICU today to use their microwave. When I explained that ours had been taken without consent, I was duly informed that last weekend, someone came onto their ward and stole the shower, and came back the next day to take the shower curtain/rail. How much of a total shit do you have to be to steal from a hospital?

Has anyone else ever had anything stolen from their workplace?

lifeguardoflove @ 2008-09-03T21:22:00

2008-09-03T20:23:53Z

Sitting watching the godawful Mortal Kombat movie, I couldn't help but notice my lovely wife filing her feet. With sandpaper.

lifeguardoflove @ 2008-06-30T20:11:00

2008-06-30T19:20:12Z

I vote that this is the greatest book cover ever. This is how everything ever should be settled.

that's not my whelk

2008-06-12T18:04:01Z

Today, a mildly senile old man decided that I was Rolf Harris. He was rather insistent, but he was soon distracted by the prospect of toast. Found an air freshener, the scent inside described as "Indian Summer." I didn't dare try it for fear of what would be unleashed. How would people best describe "Indian Summer?"

In which I decide to throw patient confidentiality to the wind

2008-06-11T18:45:51Z

We have a fellow coming into the hospital on Friday (the 13th) whose name is Jason Voorhees! I truly, truly hope that he was born with that name. He is a gay debt collector. Imagine him coming to your door and getting payment for that unsettled Parks Catalogue from last December. You'd shit bricks.

stale pee is useless pee

2008-05-30T19:13:04Z

Saw Ministry last night, was most excellent. No starter act, just a straight 2-hour-plus set of awesomeness.
First third of the gig was all recent material set to a big backdrop of flashing images of war stuff and Dubya talking shite.

Exit band. And then back on to do all of the old, vintage Ministry, whilst encouraging people to start a circle pit. Oh, what a wind-up that man is.
The third encore was decidedly odd. Covers of ZZ Top and the Doors, all metalified. Was good.

The last encore took the fig roll. A keyboard was carried onto the stage, and an off-key song was started. After a few bars, it came together. What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong. Oh delicious irony! It was all soft and lovely, and then guitars came back and it turned into a big evil thrash-punk fest and it tasted good.

No Jesus Built My Hotrod this time.

I am finally getting blood tests after three years of problems to see why I fail at being healthy. Let us see why I'm broken.

Bosses have decided that I cannot do my job, so have given it to someone else. Oh wait, they've actually given it to three people to deal with, even though I raised the point that I needed support. So, with my new deskbound job, I shall be doing fuck all and not one jot more. Not very happy with the decision, planning a pithy, cunty letter for them. Will probably never bother to do it.

AAAH AAAAAAAH MOST WINNITY WINNITY WIN!

http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Dongcopter

lifeguardoflove @ 2008-05-12T21:38:00

2008-05-12T20:41:01Z

Today I sat outside for my lunch and got over 200 lines on Tetris. It was nice. There was a squirrel. Then I stole 15 storage boxes. The End.

lifeguardoflove @ 2008-05-07T12:29:00

2008-05-07T11:40:07Z

One week after returning from the U.S and I can finally feel my arse again. Sitting for seven hours without bumshuffling more than a few inches was probably a poor decision. Am glad to be properly re-aquainted with my cheeks.

I watched a fat cat struggle around the garden yesterday. It was too fat to jump up the fence. It looked like Muta from the Cat Returns.
Did anyone see Brian Blessed on 'Have I Got News For You?' - he was hyperactive and fun, I want him to recharge me with his love.

Have to have some sort of meeting next week, because, more often than not, there are patient casenotes missing on the morning of clinics. Yes, it sounds like I'm being a terrible employee, but if they actually gave me some support and stopped increasing my workload, then you might have a chance you big GAYS. gay gay gay. gaylord gayness.

Have been playing Streets of Rage. It makes my full of joy-joy feelings. Also, Demolition Man. Soooo underrated.

It is mince for tea.

lifeguardoflove @ 2008-03-17T21:34:00

2008-03-17T21:37:35Z

This is why naughty kids grow up to be bad.

If you tell a child that they are bad and that's all they will ever be, they will live up to the tag and carry on the same way.

quick note

2008-02-29T12:12:19Z

Just in case you didn't know, Ministry bringing their farewell tour to Manchester. I can't remember when (May 30th?)

also

TOAST

What makes a racist?

2008-02-03T20:57:05Z

Whilst using a pedestrian crossing today, at taxi driver ran a light and went right across my path, closely followed by two others. I ran up to his car (pushing a buggy) and asked his why he ran a light when I obviously had right of way. He denied any wrongdoing. When I suggested that he didn't know how to drive, he immediately pulled the race card. "Is it because I'm brown that you're saying that?" No, it's because you're a fucking cunt that is incapable of doing the main part of his job. He also spouted some line about me thinking that he was an illegal immigrant. The thing is, I didn't see a colour on him. I saw someone that nearly hit me and my son because of his attitude to road laws. Not once did I mention the tone of his skin.
Who is the racist in this scene: Me, for pulling up a non-white guy for his dangerous driving, or him for judging that I, being a young white male, am a racist?

grapes

2008-02-01T19:00:35Z

This may be of particular interest to those of you that went to the recent exhibition that proved that psychology is for CHUMPS and that the only way to succeed in life is Scientology and it's wonderful, wonderful merits.

http://encyclopediadramatica.com/PROJECT_CHANOLOGY/IRL_PROTEST_PAGE

also PENIS PENIS PENIS

OH NOES!

2008-01-30T12:36:30Z

Jeremy Beadle is dead! :(

Are there more human testicles on earth than there are actual living people?

poopooopooopopoooopooopooooaids

2008-01-25T08:21:27Z

This week has been rather poor:

bad things

-sore throat turned out to be a lung infection.
-bosses at work changing way things are done to long drawn out poorly-realised ideas so they can pat each other on the backs marvelling in their brilliance, while the rest of us suffer under this burden of GAYNESS, out hatred burning more brightly than the firey intensity of a thousand suns.
-rats ill, had to be put to sleep.
-above Bad Thing cost 26 pounds.

good thing

- i found a cowboy hat!

has anyone tried Curiously Cinnamon (nee Cinnamon Grahams)? They're fantastic! Sugar held together with bits of brown. mmmm diabeetus.

IT IS A POST. IT IS MADE UP OF WORDS AND FULL STOPS

2007-09-18T12:26:47Z

FYI, tomorrow (19th September) is International Talk Like A Pirate Day, so everyone is expected to bother their work colleagues with pirate-ish banter and catchphrases. This is doubly needed by those working in sex-paraphernalia-esque workplaces. The opportunites are too good to miss.

i have your DNA, Mr. Mostest

2007-07-19T11:56:17Z

Work smells of gas. I fear an explosion.
A pair of robins have decided to nest in the filing area. They have built a lovely nest in notes. I certainly hope that these people don't come into the hospital, for I will be attacked by angry birds when I go to fetch their demographics.

lately, I have taken to looking at splosh porn. It doesn't arouse me, but it does look like fun.

RAMBO

2007-06-07T08:05:02Z

I have decided that I am totally against cats.
For a long time, I have harboured feelings of resentment towards them, but only this morning did I decide that they are, in all, crap animals.

Okay, some of you (the three or four people that may read this) might enjoy the company, the playfulness of the little chaps. I don't. Or, more rightly, I've never met a cat that wants to play, or do anything interesting. They just want to sit there, licking their arse or watching you with their slitty little eyes.

They are rubbish pets. People like to say (yes, they're very indepentant creatures," meaning "she likes to scratch the furniture, go out, shite in somes elses garden then come back home for some food, before repeating the process again, ad infinitum."

And their shit is evil too. That toxoplasmosis thing. Tox-something anyway. It lives in the soil and years later attacks your eyes. I've never heard of vindictive shit.

Anyway, I just don't think that they are real pets. They don't need looking after, they kill wildlife and they crap everywhere they want. I don't like them at all.

And they pooed on my flowers.

touch the bad places

2007-05-19T18:39:08Z

If you had to, unavoidably, would you rather have sex with Kilroy or Lovejoy? And Why?

neutradol

2007-04-15T21:17:59Z

Did anyone see the Giant Enemy Crabs on Doctor Who?
He caused massive damage by taking away their gas.

George Michael

2007-03-15T10:24:30Z

The surgeons keep setting the cauterising laser too high in the theatre. I am beginning to dislike the smell of pork scratchings.

just so you know...

2007-03-08T20:46:51Z

...fiona is squirting breast milk at the rats.

Natasha Bedingfield is a Slut

2007-02-19T08:05:02Z

I have a zombie-related dream about every two weeks, and they're usually pretty horrid. Last night there were zombies on a bus, biting people and jumping off, and it was shooting zombies in a hospital before that. Any ideas why zombies? They're all scary and stuff. I want nice dreams full of shiny.

ALSO

Taz, do you want to buy a ticket for the NIN concert on the 26th? It's a supposed early-entry-and-stuff ticket. Just so you know.

And Luke, are you still interested in losing weight? If so, I've got some pretty good (and easy) stuff that I can scan and email to you if you want.

It's all out there.

turd

2007-02-07T13:52:23Z

I've been reading a few weather reports to see if I'll have some snow to play with. In each report, it has gone into detail about pressure fronts, and then callously "blamed" these fronts for the snow. I would love to be responsible for snow! It's the most awesome weather-related thing there is.

Also, Luke, have you got up to that bit in Twilight Princess where you have to guard your caravan, but some bastard bird keeps dropping bombs on it? I couldn't do it and I haven't played it for about 5 weeks now.

Does anyone remember Bis? Well, they're doing a 10-year anniversary gig at Satans Hollow if anyone wants to play.

Ian, did you read any of them comics yet? Do you want any more at some point?

The computery stuff that makes to do work is being fixed at the moment. I've got two hours to kill.

discount giant - the biggest name in low prices

2007-01-01T18:39:21Z

A couple of things:

Someone (el Rezzo) has uploaded a full 1.3 gig dvd file of the Broken Movie onto the net. The quality is cracking. Also, both discs of Closure have been uploaded at a whopping 13 gigs of NINly goodness.

This is possibly the real reason that dinosaurs went extinct. it's nsfw, just so you know.

http://www.pornotube.com/media.php?m=32561

I can't be bothered doing that linking stuff.